Back in the mid Ots…? 2000′s…? 00′s? I was living in L.A. seriously pursuing a career as a writer along with approximately half a million other people with laptops and a Coffee Bean discount card. Now, I’ve always been a fan of comics so I thought one way to get my foot in the door would be to respond to open calls for comic book pitches. I sent out several, and all were summarily rejected.

I stumbled across some of these failed pitches in my Google Docs and in this second installment of a series I’ll be sharing them with the world for the first time. After all, what else am I going to do with them?

Next up: The Tick! The classic satirical superhero was due for a reboot, and the publisher was soliciting new takes. I outlined a full five-issue arc, but all that remains are the outlines for the first two issues. They really stressed that they wanted a completely fresh take on the hero so I mainly relied on my memories of the cartoon and live-action TV show, and used Wikipedia to fill in a few of the blanks. At his heart, The Tick makes fun of the tropes of superhero stories, and since DC was in full-on Crisis mode with Infinite Crisis I thought I’d try and satirize that type of story.

Anyway, here are the pitches for the first two issues. Enjoy!

Issue #1: ASPIRATIONS AND PERSPIRATION

ARTHUR crunches numbers in the administrative area of EVANSTON HOSPITAL, a mental institution on the outskirts of THE CITY. Arthur dreams of being more than ordinary.

THE TICK, in a padded cell within Evanston, tells a stuffed puppy (his best friend, whose name is Spoon) how much he misses his old life: adventuring, the roofiness of a rooftop, the scent of justice, etc.
Arthur takes his lunches in the basement of the hospital. The guard waves him through, business as usual.

Lunch consumed, Arthur flips through a comic book based on the true-life adventures of “The Cape,” a groovy hero that operated within The City during the 1960’s. Arthur hears a knocking behind a door marked “Do Not Enter.” He looks through a small glass window in the door. Nothing. More knocking. Arthur looks around. Knocks back.

The Tick pops up in the window. Smiles and waves. Arthur backs away. The Tick implores Arthur to let him out, as there is a disaster looming. Arthur asks how he knows. The Tick’s antennae twitch. He can feel it. Arthur tells The Tick he could lose his job. The Tick can’t understand why that would be a problem.

DR. GANTRY, Tick’s lanky psychoanalyst, meekly approaches Arthur. Arthur jumps at the sight  of him. Dr. Gantry tells Arthur to stay away from the delusional Tick for his own well-being as well as The Tick’s. Arthur leaves The Tick and Dr. Gantry to their session.

Later that night, Arthur sits in his boxers in front of the computer. He does an internet search on The Tick, comes up with an advertisement for a nightclub (Fly to The Comet! Fridays: Get your kicks with The Tick!) but the Tick pictured is obviously not the man he met. Arthur considers helping Tick, then talks himself out of it, then contemplates it again while fixing a bowl of Raman Noodles. As the noodles cook, the microwave light flickers. Enter…

THE HALL MONITOR, intra-dimensional being of god-ish-like powers and ferocious acne. Arthur demands to know who he is. The Hall Monitor explains: his mission is to keep an eye on everything from afar (unless the situation calls for his intervention [or he feels like being a Mr. Nosey-pants]). He sees all time at once, but it’s kind of blurry since that bully Ga-La-Cier scratched up his glasses in N.Y.C.

The Hall Monitor tells Arthur that The Tick was right. There is a grave danger to humanity looming… a “Secret Crisis War… on Earth!” Arthur must break The Tick out, as they will both play a crucial role in the struggle. With that, the Hall Monitor disappears.

Arthur rushes to his closet. This is the day he’s waited for. He pulls a white suit out of the mothballs and tries it on. It’s a little snug, but it’ll work. He names himself after the blood-sucking moths of Malaysia. From now on he will fight by Tick’s side as… Calyptra Eustrigata!

Arthur goes to work. Lunchtime arrives. He changes into his costume. Goes to the basement. The guard questions him about the costume, but with a lame excuse, Arthur is allowed through. He gets The Tick’s attention… “C’mon, Tick, we’re busting you out.” The Tick’s response? “Spiffy!”

Issue #2: GAME OF DEATH

The Tick stands over the remains of his stuffed friend Spoon. Spoon’s stuffing is all over the floor. The Tick cries out his name (Spoon!). Arthur tries to quiet The Tick. Tick starts trying to shove the stuffing back into Spoon. Arthur tells The Tick that it’s his own fault; he shouldn’t have been carrying him when he smashed through the door. Arthur forces Tick to leave the “body” behind and press on, as the alarm is sounding.

They run down the hallway. The guard sees them. Pulls out his walkie talkie and calls in a Red Level emergency. Tick thinks the walkie-talkie is cool, and asks to see it. The Guard starts to retreat and slips, knocking himself out. Arthur apologizes to the guard and they hop in the elevator.

In the elevator, Tick asks Arthur about his powers. Arthur admits he doesn’t have any. Tick brags about his nigh-invulnerability and chiseled chin. Tick asks for Arthur’s superhero name. When presented with Calyptra Eustrigata Tick laughs. That’s no name for a superhero. Arthur says to just call him Arthur.

The elevator doors open to reveal Dr. Gantry. Dr. Gantry wants to know what’s going on. Tick says they’re escaping, and invites the good doctor to come along. Dr. Gantry goes to call for a guard, thinks better of it, and lets them go.

Dr. Gandry wanders down the hall laughing maniacally. He performs a classical villainous monologue: he’ll let them escape, as it will give him the perfect opportunity to perform an experiment that the hospital board would never allow. He is anxious to see how an unbalanced personality such as Tick will react to his “scary juice.” The various villains who reside on the hall (several Ninja, The Chainsaw Vigilante, Chairface Chippendale, etc) applaud him on his masterful delivery. He takes a bow. Exeunt.

Tick and Arthur reach the outer yard of Evanston Hospital. Unfortunately, the yard is filled with dozens of hospital guards. Some male nurses, too, but they aren’t a threat. Arthur is flabbergasted, but Tick is excited to meet so many new friends. He goes to greet them. They open fire on Tick. Arthur falls to his knees and begs for his life. Tick doesn’t see this as a friendly gesture and attacks the guards (Spoon!). Arthur prays to God, Jesus, Allah, and George Burns as Tick takes out the guards.

All is quiet. Arthur opens his eyes. Tick is staring at Arthur, his face inches away. He didn’t want to bother Arthur while he was praying. Arthur stands up, shaken. Tick throws his arm around Arthur and leads him over the unconscious bodies of the guards. Tick wants Arthur to be his new best friend. Arthur agrees.

They stroll out the front gates of the hospital. Tick asks Arthur where they’re going. Arthur thought Tick knew. A neighing voice tells them they aren’t going anywhere. They turn and look at…

NIGHT MARE, Dr. Gandry’s alter-ego, a mystic man, dressed as a horse, rises from the fog (which wasn’t there before). He kicks back his head and laughs.

Tick turns to Arthur: “Think he’ll let us ride him into town?”